I have not written a post on here in a while. I am feeling just fine, but the weather has just been so cold here lately that I have not felt much like getting on my computer. My computer is by a couple of big windows that are old and they leak air. It is fine in the summer but the winter is another story, especially this one!
The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breast to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop and ask, "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He is still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Friday, November 07, 2008
Sunday school sayings
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times
"Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
"My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country..
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, The grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times
"Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
"My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.
Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, " We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
Church Smiles
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country..
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, The grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Only in America....
Only in America......a pizza can get to your housefaster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parkingplaces in front of a skating rink.
Only in America.....do we use answering machines toscreen calls and then have call waiting so we won'tmiss a call from someone we didn't want to talk toin the first place.
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walkall the way to the back of the store to get theirprescriptions while healthy people can buycigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors openand then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worththousands of dollars in the driveway and put ouruseless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we! buy hot dogs in packagesof ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latinmeaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsuckingcreatures'.
Only in America. .....d o they have drive-up ATMmachines with Braille lettering.
Only in America......can a homeless combat veteranlive in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live inthe White House.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?!
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, anddishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called abroker ?
Why is the time of day with the slowest trafficcalled rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethalinjections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! !
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are allstuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress theopposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airportthe terminal?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
In case you needed further proof that the human raceis doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on myhair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! Nopurchase necessary. Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use likeregular soap."
[And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Servingsuggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom ofbox): "Do not turn upside down".
[Oops, too late, you lose!! ]
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product willbe hot after heating.
[As sure as night follows the day . . . . .]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not ironclothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do notdrive a car or operate machinery after taking thismedication".
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate ofconstruction accidents if we could just get those5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May causedrowsiness".
[One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indooror outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be usedfor the other use".
[I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Containsnuts".
[NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: open packet,eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of thisgarment does not enable you to fly".
[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents forthis one!]
15. On a Swedish chain saw: " Do not attempt to stopchain with your hands or genitals".
Was there a chance of this happeningsomewhere?.....Good grief!]
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turnto spread the stupidity and send this to someone youwant to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...inother words, send it to everyone. We ALL NEED ASMILE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE America......
Only in America......are there handicap parkingplaces in front of a skating rink.
Only in America.....do we use answering machines toscreen calls and then have call waiting so we won'tmiss a call from someone we didn't want to talk toin the first place.
Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walkall the way to the back of the store to get theirprescriptions while healthy people can buycigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors openand then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worththousands of dollars in the driveway and put ouruseless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we! buy hot dogs in packagesof ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latinmeaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsuckingcreatures'.
Only in America. .....d o they have drive-up ATMmachines with Braille lettering.
Only in America......can a homeless combat veteranlive in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live inthe White House.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouthclosed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?!
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, anddishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called abroker ?
Why is the time of day with the slowest trafficcalled rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethalinjections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! !
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are allstuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress theopposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airportthe terminal?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
In case you needed further proof that the human raceis doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on myhair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! Nopurchase necessary. Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use likeregular soap."
[And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Servingsuggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom ofbox): "Do not turn upside down".
[Oops, too late, you lose!! ]
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product willbe hot after heating.
[As sure as night follows the day . . . . .]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not ironclothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do notdrive a car or operate machinery after taking thismedication".
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate ofconstruction accidents if we could just get those5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May causedrowsiness".
[One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indooror outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be usedfor the other use".
[I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Containsnuts".
[NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: open packet,eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of thisgarment does not enable you to fly".
[I don't blame the company. I do blame parents forthis one!]
15. On a Swedish chain saw: " Do not attempt to stopchain with your hands or genitals".
Was there a chance of this happeningsomewhere?.....Good grief!]
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turnto spread the stupidity and send this to someone youwant to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...inother words, send it to everyone. We ALL NEED ASMILE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE America......
Monday, May 07, 2007
Hilarious!
WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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